I think it funny that you have friends at different points in life, or seasons in life you could say. It's always nice when the season comes back around when apparently someone who can see through images comes back into your life. I have a friend whom I met in high school. She was a year younger than I if I recall. Although we reconnected on Facebook many years later, I had not seen her since high school. We became close over facebook then with texting and when our family needed a sitter at a medical facility we called her and she was instantly there. So many years gone by and she did not hesitate. She was there when the doctor first came in and as he talked with me he asked questions and I gave my typical humorous self with some answers and he asked, " I see you seem to have a sense of humor. Is that real, or is it a cover up to hide your emotions?" Before I could answer this friend said, " It's a front. She's done it since high school and continues to do so. She hides what she deals with." BOOM. I haven't even seen her since high school and she nailed me right dead and center. At least she gave me 4 strawberry Carmex tubes that day, and she is a dearly close friend to this day and always will be.
I ask again: Do you know me? Did you know that I too had dreams of a normal life just like you have? Wait.....What is normal? What makes your life better than mine? Is it your husband's paycheck? No, wait. It's YOUR paycheck. Maybe it's that degree hanging on your wall. Your 4 to 5 bedroom house. Your kids and their activities. That is YOUR normal. Normal for me? " On a scale from 1 to 10 what is your nausea?" It's laughable to me and you ask why. Why? Because. Because my nausea is so bad there is no number for it. Higher than avagandro or whatever. I can't tell you a stinking number. I was told by a friend that it's ok to be angry. I really am glad I got a thumbs up on that one.
Now you say, " But we sent books to help with that ". Yeah, well God sent His Son to help with that and I'm doing the best I can but I am going through the phases of "acceptance" 20 times a day. Are you shocked? I'm not superhuman. I'm just like you, except my scenery is different than yours. I am not saying I have no faith. Faith in God is what has kept me alive this long. I've lost faith in most who considered themselves my friends save about a dozen people and you know who you are. I question a lot of things. Why people choose or chose the paths they did. Usually those people can't answer me back or chose not to. Some clearly laid out reasoning for life choices that were extremely honorable, but for some reason I just argue with the reasoning behind things. Did you know I am a very gullible person? I'll be nice to anybody. I don't know why. It's some strange thing with my personality and it ends up hurting me. Even if you have an extreme past history of hurting me or friends, I will be nice to you or even help you with a loved one for that person's sake if you needed me to. Sure I would. I would do anything to help someone, but most of the time the grenade goes off in my face. I just wipe off the blood. Wait for it to heal and go back to the front lines of my life again. Don't label me until you examine your entire life, then after you have the 24 hour stomach bug you send me a text or whatever letting me know that you were so sick for 24 hours that you thought of me. If you said that to my face, which lots do, I say, "Ah, that's so sweet. Thank you!" In my brain, at the same time I am looking you in the eye, I am thinking, " a whole 24 hours they thought of me. I feel super special." Now, I ask again: Do You Know Me? Well, in these blogs you are going to. You ALL need to know that I'm nobody special except a test subject. Satan's test subject.